I realized I’ve never actually posted about my complete testimony on this blog. Although I did explain why I decided to start this blog on the “About me” section of this blog, I feel very compelled by the Spirit to write about my whole testimony more in depth.
It’s actually been really hard for me to talk about these things in the past, the enemy always made me feel very ashamed. But now that I am walking more in faith, I am realizing there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of and that it’s necessary that I share this in order to help others who might be going through the same struggles that I went through. I was reading Derron E. Short’s book, “ Perfecting the Saints,” and he has a very interesting quote that says:
“Your misery will be your ministry.”
That one really stuck with me. It is really important that everyone tells their story in order to lift one another up. Even if you think your story does not matter, you never know how it might be helping another person, so here it goes….
The year was 1988… A beautiful baby by the name of Melanie was born… JK JK LOL
(I WAS NOT born in 1988 lol) Not entirely denying the beautiful baby part though… LOL 😂
The truth is I was born to a good family, believers, church goers, and I was raised in the church! Throughout my teen years I was super good and stayed in the church, and it wasn’t until college when I totally strayed from God and His ways. It all started because I fell in sin in college, I started having sex before marriage. Then it was like everything just started to unravel and fall apart in my life. It was horrible. My parents found out about this and they are very conservative, and although I was over 18, they just hit the roof. They almost threw me out of the house, took away my car, they just did not know what to do with me. I was so rebellious but tbh I did not understand why they did not understand me more? They overreacted and were quite judgemental which added to the conflict. I wanted so badly, more than anything, to be loved and understood. But that was not what I received, and things only got worse for me from there.
Tbh, in my family there have always been “boundary issues.” To explain this further, I was raised in a family who was over involved, overly controlling/ perfectionist/ strict, yet at the same time, a bit unattached emotionally and cold. Let me tell you, this can do a NUMBER on a person LOL. It was just very confusing because I grew up thinking that this overstepping of boundaries, & this cold attitude, meant love. It was all I knew. (It led to some bad relationships down the road.)
Anyways this scenario really frustrated me as a teen, yet at that time I kind of chose to ignore it. Eventually as a college person, this caused me to rebel. I just didn’t understand it but I couldn’t handle the pressure anymore. I couldn’t handle the emotions, and I was just looking for love. I just was never allowed to think for myself or any form or self- expression was met with put- downs, disrespect, or passive- aggressive “jokes.” So perhaps it was my way of trying to affirm my own identity because I felt like I was not allowed to have my own identity, since it was such a strict upbringing (that is why, when I have children, Im going to raise them differently!).
But either way, I started to rebel and do things I felt were just different from what my family had taught me. In college I was exposed to different people, ideas that seemed great, but were actually quite deceiving and led to a self- destructive path. But I didn’t know, and I wasn’t willing to listen to my parents because I felt a lot of anger and resentment, so I just did my thing.
It reached the point where I considered myself “agnostic,” I really did not believe in God anymore! I abandoned everything that had to do with God, my family, and His ways. And let me tell you, those were the absolute worst days of my life. I was so separated from God. My parents just hated me. They didn’t, but it felt like it because they hardly spoke to me & were very cold the little that we spoke. This was so hurtful I kept on this downward spiral. Basically all of my relationships in my life were a mess. I was a ruin. I was an emotional wreck. I had depression, later developed anger issues, and bad anxiety. I was on antidepressants but they did nothing. It was just a horrible, horrible feeling.
I felt so alone. I sought to fill this void with guys. I dated quite a bit, I had relationships and one particularly toxic long- term relationship which left me completely destroyed. When it ended, I didn’t want to live. I know! Crazy right?! It seems like I am talking about a different person!!! But no, that was me!!! I remember going to a “therapist” and telling this person desperately, I really need help (this was before I even broke up with that person). I am having such bad suicidal thoughts, I just want to kill myself. Do you know what the therapist replied? “Well, why don’t you just kill yourself”
YES. THAT IS WHAT HE REPLIED. 😡
Thank you Lord, I had the good sense to not listen to that buffoon sent by Satan, and walked out of that office and never returned. I wish I knew that person’s name now, I would report them to the Board.
Anyway, I remember one particular day, I just wanted that pain to end. I took a bunch of pills, I honestly do not remember what I took because this was already like 10 years ago. I think they were the anxiety pills, not sure. I drove around like a mad person. LOL, and came home and went to bed. And by God’s grace, I woke up the next day.
I also was not able to keep a steady job because of my emotional instability. This sadly affected my career in the beginning, because when I first graduated and began working was when the break-up happened, and I simply could not cope. I had a great first job, but it was actually quite challenging. It would have been stressful for a “normal” person, but for me, I was having panic attacks in the bathroom! I couldn’t handle the stress from the job, plus all the stress in my personal life. With the depression and all those mental health issues, I unfortunately had to leave that job. (But God turned that around!)
But now I have gotten my career back on track. It’s been because I’ve gotten my life back on track, and that’s because I got my relationship with God back on track!!!!!
I will never leave God again, I am simply nothing without Him. He’s been so faithful!
Btw, I have been living depression and anxiety- free for like 7 years!!!! Absolutely no medication!!!! Ever!!!! God truly healed my soul. And have restored my relationships!!!
Now, I am not saying that if you have to take meds right now that you shouldn’t take them, I was actually a psych major LOL, you cannot just STOP these meds like that. But I slowly & gradually improved until I was able to get off them permanently. I cannot say this all happened over night. It was actually a SLOW process that took years, but now looking back, I am amazed!
If you are a person who suffers from a mental illness, just remember, you are not alone. YOUR life has a great purpose!!!! I know it can truly feel like we are alone in this big scary world. But don’t believe Satan’s lies. He wants to see you down and defeated. But in reality, he is the one who is already defeated, for we already have victory through Jesus!
Always believe in the hope that there is a better tomorrow. There is healing, and even though it’s hard and some days you may have some setbacks, just keep pushing forward. It is 100% worth it. Just trust God 100% with all of your heart and you will be amazed. Believe in all His promises wholeheartedly. He will do it. God does miracles every day. I consider what God did in my life a miracle. 💖🙏
God truly made beauty from the ashes, and He made everything new again.
I now live life as a Christian (I am a Christian lol), I have remained single mostly after that bad break- up, but I’ve made the decision to not have sex again until I get married, if that is in God’s plan for my life. I was seeing a Christian therapist during that recovery period (she was so awesome), to deal with some of my issues, and it really helped so much. I highly encourage anyone to find a Christian therapist if you feel you have these issues. I preferred a woman because I am a woman and there were so many issues I needed to talk about without feeling like it was awkward or anything. A good Christian therapist will simply listen, be non- judgemental, and tbh she didn’t even offer any incredible advice LOL. Just her listening and not judging me was like, incredible LOL. She helped a lot and somehow helped to put things into perspective for me. Wherever she is, I hope God blesses her!
It all makes me think, sometimes in life, there are situations that are unfair. Yes. This is a fact. I feel my upbringing wasn’t fair. BUT,
- I am grateful for the good things about it.
- I have learned not to take a bad situation and make it WORSE with my bad attitude, therefore prolonging my own time in that bad situation. Always stay focused on the positives and just try to think of the solutions, and ask God for answers.
- And of course, just TRUST GOD ALWAYS. ❤
So that is my testimony. I hope you guys like it and that it somehow resonates with someone out there going through the same thing or a similar situation. Always remember there is hope in Christ, never ever give up. You are one of a kind! 💎
Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the LORD has risen upon you. — Isaiah 60:1
God bless! Xoxo
PS- As for my parents, everyone who has hurt me, I forgive all of them. God has restored my relationship with my parents, & I am grateful. I realize this doesn’t always happen. In my case, it was possible. Sometimes it isn’t. The Bible says we have to forgive regardless. Psalm 27:10 says “Even if my father and mother abandon me, the LORD will hold me close.” Issues with these relationships can be painful. But we must remember God is our comfort & healer, & He is ALWAYS there for us.
My parents were doing the best they possibly could. That is the only way they knew how. I forgive, but I have learned as an adult to set my boundaries. Keep moving forward!!! In Jesus name!!! 🙂 👍💯